Empowering Parents of Children with Behavioral and Emotional Challenges
Website Overview
Welcome to my website! I am a California-licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and have worked with children, adolescents, and adults from a wide range of socioeconomic backgrounds. I completed my clinical training at community-based mental health agencies and eventually built a private practice in Los Gatos, California.
Through this website, I intend to share information pertaining to a specific personality profile that is exhibited by people that struggle the most; theories and research findings that inform my conceptualization of this specific personality profile; information related to how I work as a psychoneuroeducator, psychotherapist and parent coach; and information pertaining to the populations I work with, services I provide, and the logistics of my practice.
My Clinical Challenge
Early in my clinical work, I started to notice that the children, adolescents, and young adults I was working with, while very different, also appeared to share many qualities. Yes, many of these kids were troubled. They had behavioral challenges at home and at school. They lacked motivation, were not interested in building a future, and were starting to experiment with substances and engage in risky behaviors that were getting them in trouble.
When I spoke with their parents, teachers, social workers, school psychologists, and previous therapists, I heard a list of everything that was not going right. Aside from the typical diagnoses (e.g., depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, intermittent explosive disorder), I noticed a series of labels used to describe their behavior, starting with the letter D, including deceptive, defensive, defiant, deficient, delinquent, demand-avoidant, demanding, destructive, deviant, difficult, disabled, discourteous, diseased, disengaged, disgraceful, dishonest, disinterested, dismissive, disobedient, disorganized, disruptive, disturbed, dramatic, and dysfunctional.
Focusing on Strengths Instead of Challenges
As I consulted with the other adults involved in my clients’ lives, I wondered if we were talking about the same kid. The truth is that I enjoyed meeting with my clients because I was trained to focus on their strengths. They were smart, creative, empathic, curious, independent, and quite philosophical. They had a sense of depth and concern for the human condition that most adults never get to experience. But that is not the way they behaved during our first meetings. Initially, they made sure I experienced their “badness.” However, I had learned not to “give in to their attacks.” Instead of retaliating, as most adults tend to do in these circumstances, I showed curiosity about how they were treating me. I asked questions that helped me understand their perspective. I knew their attacks were directed at something or someone else rather than at me.
To gain their trust, I had to communicate that I would not fall apart (i.e., get angry or triggered in any way). If I could not do this, the only thing they would show me would be their symptoms instead of who they really were. In psychodynamic terms, I needed to communicate to them that their badness could not “destroy me.” Only then could they feel safe with me, and I could build a relationship with them. Thus, I kept asking them about their strengths. Soon, they would start sharing qualities they normally wouldn't with their parents, teachers, and friends.
Relational Approach
I was taught by my child and family therapy professor that the best way to build a relationship with a child was to be interested in what it was like to be the child. In a nutshell, the relational psychotherapy theory that my professor subscribed to suggested that negative behavior was a symptom of a relational breach. My professor suggested not to get distracted by the symptoms. Instead, he suggested that my job as a child therapist was to understand what was causing the internal pain that was manifested as behavioral challenges. But first, I needed to show that I really cared. The way to do this was to feel what it was like to be them by experiencing their attacks without imposing my authority. In other words, how their actions made me feel communicated how they were feeling inside.
Negative Behavior as Defensive Shield
I learned that what needed to be fixed was not the negative behaviors but the internal suffering causing them. I started to understand the “ruggedness of their behaviors” as a defensive shield designed to protect their internal pain. I learned from my research that such ruggedness is an evolutionary adaptation that organisms have used throughout history to defend themselves. I also learned that the more these defenses are used, the stronger they become. This defensive dynamic points to the highly malleable developing brain, which must adapt to an uncertain and stressful environment by defaulting to exploitation over exploration (Humphreys et al., 2015). This defensive behavior is associated with developmental plasticity (Pluess & Belsky, 2012).
These evolutionary defensive adaptations are the result of automatic processes that happen outside our awareness, just like blood pumping through our bodies, air moving in and out of our lungs, and blood clotting when we get a cut. In other words, when we criticize, label, and judge defensive behavior, it worsens (i.e., escalates) as the organism detects a hostile environment and attempts to survive by defending itself. I have learned to have immense respect for the evolutionary processes responsible for these defensive behaviors, as they enabled our ancestors to survive throughout history.
Focusing on the Vulnerability Underneath the Ruggedness
From the first session, my clients could tell I was interested in who they really were as people rather than focusing on their negative behavior. In other words, I was communicating to them that while they might have fooled other people into thinking they were all bad, I knew that underneath all that ruggedness, there was a loving child, and my job was to meet that child. It was that loving, vulnerable, smart, and creative child hiding behind their ruggedness who was really my client. By detecting the vulnerable parts of the child and allowing them to express themselves, I was not only meeting those parts but also helping my clients see and embrace them.
All of this sounds very confusing because there is a lot that we can’t see. We can see the symptoms, but we can’t see the suffering. It is also easier to assume the child is actively choosing to misbehave than to consider that something is not working for the child. This place of “not knowing,” which is necessary for problem solving, is unbearable for many people, as society shows immense disdain when we don’t “know what is happening.” However, to know, we must first accept that we might not know. This is a tall order!
Why would the child have to defend themselves? Why are there parts that the child is hiding? Aren’t you just enabling their bad behavior if you don’t address it? What does evolution have to do with all of this? What is considered a hostile environment? Is it possible that the quality of the environment can be interpreted differently, depending on the child’s temperament? It is easy to ask these questions, but the answers are multilayered and complex.
There are many layers across different fields of study that we need to consult to understand what is really going on with the children who struggle the most.
The Role of the Environment
Non-formularity arises when certain genes interact with specific environmental conditions. Two of the most well-known are the genes responsible for serotonin and dopamine regulation. We can’t change the genetic component of non-formularity, but we can modify the child’s environment to enhance their functioning. And little things make a big difference in children's healthy development and self-regulation.
If the environment supports the unique needs of non-formulaic children, they thrive (Belsky & Pluess, 2009; Boyce & Ellis, 2005). If we look closely at the personality qualities of highly successful people, we will most likely find non-formularity attributes.
On the other hand, if the environment is not supportive of their unique needs, they wither away. They might give up on school, stop engaging with others, fail to launch, become addicted to video games, gambling, substances, or pornography. I have learned that by the time things get really bad, non-formulaic children have usually been suffering for a long time, but society conceptualizes their challenges as deviance rather than as suffering. This mistake can severely impact the future of non-formulaic children.
Non-formulaic children are either all or nothing. They are not designed to be moderate nor to be part of the middle of the normal distribution curve. They either excel in a mercurial way or crash and burn. There is no in-between. This is how highly intelligent, creative, gifted, and sensitive people usually operate.
Get In Touch
If you would like to learn more about my approach, please fill out the form below, and I will reach out to you. For prospective clients, I like to schedule a complimentary phone consultation to learn more about your needs and share how I could support your family.